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Welcome to Season Four of Master Coach Mindset. Hi, my name is Rhonda Britten, and this Season, I’m going to be opening up my archives and sharing the most popular questions I’ve received over the last two decades from coaches just like you. Whether it’s about the art of coaching or addressing your Client’s questions about relationships, career, or self, plus I will be answering the questions you have right now about your practice and your Clients. So go ahead and ask me anything at MasterCoachMindset.com. That’s right, go visit MasterCoachMindset.com and click on ‘Ask Rhonda Anything’ and go ahead and ask.

Rhonda:                      In today’s Episode, I’ll be sharing my answers to your questions straight from my archives. The topic today, “The Art of Coaching.”

 

CALLER ONE

00:01:09

Rhonda:                      Hi. This is Rhonda. How can I support you?

Lynn:                           Hi, Rhonda. This is Lynn. I was hoping you could help me with some strategies for dealing with a Client who says, “If I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I’d be doing it.”

Rhonda:                      Isn’t that just a handy thing?

Lynn:                           It is such a great dissent.

Rhonda:                      Okay. So when they say that to you, what do you say?

Lynn:                           Well-

Rhonda:                      Do you believe them?

Lynn:                           No, I don’t believe them.

Rhonda:                      Excellent. So what do you tell them?

Lynn:                           Well, it depends on how many times we’ve been around. But usually I just have them try to get centered again and say, “Okay. What do you think you want?”

Rhonda:                      Okay. So why don’t we just tell them, “What if you knew? What if you already knew, what would it be?” Or, “I’m going to give you a billion dollars right now, and what’s the one thing if I gave you a billion dollars right now and your family would love whatever you’re going to do, what would you want to do?” When you take away their time, their money restrictions, and other people’s judgements, a lot of time people get freer. Also, people don’t want the life they live, and so they think if they find their purpose and somehow find their passion, somehow their life’s going to change. So they’re looking for a miracle and not that miracles don’t exist, but they’re looking for a miracle without doing any work towards the miracle. Does that make sense?

Lynn:                           Yes, it does.

Rhonda:                      So when someone says to me, “Well, if I knew what I wanted to do, I’d be doing it,” I go, “No, you wouldn’t be.”

Lynn:                           Okay.

Rhonda:                      I say that as well. I say, “No, you wouldn’t. You’re not doing the best job you can living now.” Let’s say you never find your purpose and passion, now what are you going to do?

Lynn:                           That’s good.

Rhonda:                      Like okay, they haven’t found it, right? Well, you’re never going to find it. Now what? Now what are you going to do if you don’t find it? So usually they’ll be like, “Well, I have to find it.” Well, if you had to find it, you’d already found it. So clearly you don’t have to. Clearly your life’s exactly the way you want it. “Well, no it’s not.” Are you sure? I mean, what have you done to change your life? “Well, I’m working with you.” “Great. How many exercises or homeworks that I’ve given you have you done fully and completely?”

So it’s like you’ve got to take it away from them and you’ve got to shut them down because once you do a few exercises with them regarding their purpose and their passion. Which if somebody comes to me for the purpose and their passion, I would say maybe half of them are there who really do want to find their purpose and passion, are really actively seeking it, and actively investing their lives and really moving forward. The other half is just a conversation that they have no real desire. They have a fantasy but they have no real desire to actually solve that problem because then they’d have to get off their keister and actually become responsible.

Lynn:                           So you call them on it.

Rhonda:                      Yeah. It’s our job, right?

Lynn:                           Mm-hmm.

Rhonda:                      As a Coach, you got … If you can’t call your Client on it, then what’s the point of having you?

Lynn:                           Mm-hmm.

Rhonda:                      I always say if you’re a Dirty Coaching and you want to be their friend or you’re afraid to call them on the carpet, then you’re not being a Coach. You’re not getting paid for what you need to be paid for. Does that make sense?

Lynn:                           Yeah. That makes sense.

Rhonda:                      So what are the questions around that? Anything?

Lynn:                           Let’s see, let me just review that. So you’d say, “What if you did know,” or, “If you had a billion dollars right now, what would you do?”

Rhonda:                      Yeah. I want to take away their time constrains, their money constraints, and maybe some family judgment constraints or family constraints. You could even say, “Okay. If you were single, had a million, billion dollars, and there’s no way that moneys going to run out because the minute you go through another billion, there’s another billion waiting because this trust fund is forever. Now what would you do?” “Well, I’ve been thinking maybe if I had all the money and time and I didn’t have any kids or husband or anything stopping me, well then …”

And then they’d say, “Well, I’d do something in health.” Great. Well then you know your purpose, don’t you? “Yeah, but I don’t know what I want to do in health.” Well, what are you doing right now in health? What are you doing now? Because they’re waiting for the perfect thing to slap them in the face, hit them on the butt, wake them up. Trust me, it’s already passed by and they haven’t seen it.

Lynn:                           Yeah.

Rhonda:                      Because it’s not big enough, bright enough, shiny enough, important enough to get their attention.

Lynn:                           Yeah. So I’ve got the Client who knows it has to do with cooking, and she goes off on catering and then she says, “No, that’s not it.” And then she goes off on personal chefing, and that’s not it.

Rhonda:                      Okay. Has she done those for six months and never been able to take it away? I’m sorry.

Lynn:                           She really has tried those, but she still-

Rhonda:                      But what is it that she doesn’t like about it?

Lynn:                           It’s just hard work or-

Rhonda:                      Or she actually has to get Clients.

Lynn:                           Yep. Mm-hmm.

Rhonda:                      Okay. So that’s different now isn’t it?

Lynn:                           Mm-hmm. So that becomes a different coaching.

00:06:08

Rhonda:                      Yes. I mean, the bottom line is she loves cooking. There is absolutely no way … Now, mind you, personal chef, who knows exactly how it’s going to play out. But I bet the thing she doesn’t like about personal chefing versus catering is probably the exact same thing. She doesn’t probably want to sell herself, which she doesn’t need to do but people think that. Okay?

Lynn:                           Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Rhonda:                      Does that make sense?

Lynn:                           Yeah, that makes sense.

Rhonda:                      So it’s not about the cooking. It’s about the business that goes around cooking. And that’s what stops most people that want to be creative because they don’t know how to do the business, and they’re afraid of the business. They don’t want to be rejected. They don’t want to look stupid. So then they give up their dream. So that’s unacceptable.

Lynn:                           Mm-hmm. It’s really about failure, afraid of failure.

Rhonda:                      Afraid of failure. I would say afraid of responsibility.

Lynn:                           Oh, mm-hmm.

Rhonda:                      She has to choose and she had to choose and actually do it for the rest of her life, like this is going to be it, like cooking. Anything she do with cooking included some sort of politics or some sort of … I don’t want to say selling themselves but that’s what people think of it. Marketing, some sort of something. You have to put yourself out there then she’s never going to cook. She’d have to do that if she worked for a restaurant.

Lynn:                           Yeah.

Rhonda:                      Does that make sense?

Lynn:                           Yeah.

Rhonda:                      So don’t accept the I don’t like personal chefing without finding out what is it exactly, and then, “Okay, great. Now catering, what exactly is it? Tell me, write down 10 things you love about it and 10 things you don’t like about it,” and compare the list and I guarantee you it’s probably the business because she doesn’t feel confident because she just wants to cook. But that’s not what happens. That’s not how life works. It’s not how it works.

Lynn:                           Yeah.

Rhonda:                      And too many business or small business owners or entrepreneurs that are creatively spirited say to themselves, “Well, I only want to do what I love.” Well, you’re not going to do what you love every minute of every day, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. A scale of a 10, not going to happen. But all those business skills are going to build your self-esteem, build your confidence level, make her more open and available.

Lynn:                           Yeah. So it’s getting underneath that and just trying to side step the block of-

Rhonda:                      Exactly.

Lynn:                           I don’t know what to do.

Rhonda:                      Yeah. I don’t know what to do, she does know what to do. It’s cooking.

Lynn:                           Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Rhonda:                      So don’t believe all that other bologna-pologna, she’s keeping side tracked. She’s got you fooled.

Lynn:                           Right. I remember you saying to Summer that that was such a great defense when she could not intellectually understand why you were having her do things.

Rhonda:                      Oh yeah. Oh, absolutely.

Lynn:                           That was a block, and a light bulb went off for me in that moment because I see that so often everywhere but certainly in coaching where, “I’d move if I understood why.”

Rhonda:                      Yes. Well, understanding isn’t part of the package now, isn’t it?

Lynn:                           Yeah.

Rhonda:                      Everybody wants everything lined up, but that’s not how it works. It’s called trust, it’s called faith, and it’s called moving forward and knowing that maybe 50% of your career is going to be sevens, eights, nines, and 10s, and the other 50% of are going to be threes, fours, and fives. And your resistance to doing the work because that’s really the work, isn’t it. So the work of your business, and that’s what you Clients doing.

Lynn:                           Yeah.

Rhonda:                      And she’s got you convinced hook, line and sinker so she’s winning.

Lynn:                           Yes, she is.

Rhonda:                      All right. Anything else you’d like to-

Lynn:                           She likes it that way.

Rhonda:                      Well, of course. She doesn’t have to do anything, doesn’t she?

Lynn:                           Right.

Rhonda:                      And then she gets to think that, “Well, my Coach agrees with me.”

Lynn:                           Mm-hmm.

Rhonda:                      See, and now then she’s amazing.

Lynn:                           Yeah.

Rhonda:                      And then she thinks she’s actually moving forward because she’s hired you. You know what I mean, so then she wins totally.

Lynn:                           Yeah.

Rhonda:                      How fortunate for her.

Lynn:                           Yeah, that’s true. Well, thanks.

Rhonda:                      Does that makes sense?

Lynn:                           Yeah.

Rhonda:                      All right. Anything else regarding that topic?

Lynn:                           No, I don’t think so.

Rhonda:                      All right. Excellent. Thank you, Lynn.

Lynn:                           Thank you, Rhonda. Bye bye.

 

CALLER TWO

00:10:38

Rhonda:                      How can I support you, Janet?

Janet:                           Okay. My other question relates to one of these mangers, and she’s an O.R. nurse and they tend to be very abrupt people because they’re very focused on task and don’t often think about how you might feel about something or how they might be talking to you, and how that’s going to relate to your feelings. And I have been told that this person can be harsh at times, and one of the issues we’re looking at is trying to streamline that whole scheduling process, which you live and die in an operating room on your schedule. And the schedulers are, they’re not nurses, but they have to be very well trained to do what they do. And I’ve been told that the schedulers find her to be abusive at times. Do you have any recommendations as to how to approach her to-

Rhonda:                      A couple things. One is you talk to the schedulers about boundaries.

Janet:                           Okay.

Rhonda:                      And so many people want to deal with the abuser, and yes, we’re going to. But the fact is how you do it is taking care of the people that have the complaints. How do you support them in having the skills to go, “You know what, I really care for you, Karen. I really care for you, Sue. And I really want to support you. Yet, I got to tell you, I shut down when you talk to me that way. I know your intention is powerful. I know your intention is to get your doctor time in the hospital. Yet, it doesn’t make me want to do it. It doesn’t make me involved.” Talking to the schedulers about intention. So what is the intention? If they can start listening to the intention, they may not feel so abused. One thing I always tell people is ignore tone and ignore style. Instead, focus on the intention. The intention is to get their schedule time. That’s pretty simple.

Janet:                           Right.

Rhonda:                      And what I’m guessing is that the people that’s schedule, because it is task oriented and it’s such a time factor, like, “Can I get three o’clock? Can I get two o’clock?” They’re not getting a lot of human connection.

Janet:                           No.

Rhonda:                      So when these people call, what they’re secretly wanting is to be seen and heard and be responded to and connect.

Janet:                           Right.

Rhonda:                      But because it’s task oriented, why would I bother?

Janet:                           Yes.

Rhonda:                      So here they are, they are listening for every time they feel not seen because it’s so present for them how unseen they are.

Janet:                           Yes.

Rhonda:                      So you see the kind of problem we’re having?

Janet:                           Yes.

Rhonda:                      Here we’ve got people doing tasks, setting up scheduling, which is very task oriented, not a lot of human connection, not a lot of, “How is Sam doing?” And so they’re dying for it. So they’re going to be overly attentive to it. So you’re focus for them is (1) support them in connecting and getting support teams around them; (2) is to have them focus on intention; (3) help them put boundaries in place so they can talk to Sue or Anne or Frank who is not speaking to them in the way they’d like. Now your problem, your challenge is really well the way they like or is it really abusive.

Janet:                           Yeah.

Rhonda:                      Really. Come on.

Janet:                           Right. What’s abusive to one might…

Rhonda:                      Exactly. I mean, I have friends that talk to me in a certain way that you know it’s their personality so I have no problem with it. But if it came out of somebody else’s mouth, I’d be horrified.

Janet:                           Yeah.

Rhonda:                      So to kind of actually ask them to keep a diary, a journal of the things that really … The way people talk to support them and the way that people talk to them that doesn’t support them. You can get the facts because right now it’s just hearsay.

Janet:                           Right.

Rhonda:                      There’s no facts. You need to get facts so you can then do role plays with them about boundaries.

Janet:                           Okay.

Rhonda:                      Now, going to this other person, once you have the facts and you can see that this person is really abusive, “Oh you dumb person. You’re stupid. You don’t know what you’re doing.” Because abrasive is one thing, calling names is another. If it’s your place to go up to them and say, “You know, I’ve been talking to Tony and Sally in scheduling, and they really want to help you. It’s just challenging for them because what I’ve realized is that Tony and Sally, the only time they talk to people is people that call scheduling. And you know what, they’re wanting to feel connected to you, and they don’t feel like they’re able to because of the way you speak to them. So is there a way, and I’m not telling you to babysit them. I’m not tell you that you got to be friends with Tony and Sally. But what I am telling you is there a way that you can see them.” “Well, I don’t have time to see them.” “Great. Are you willing to have a civil conversation and actually treat them as somebody who’s really just doing their job?”

Janet:                           Right.

Rhonda:                      So one thing is to have the whole conversation, tone, and style; eliminate tone and style. Instead, listen to the intention behind the words. And even can you eliminate the words and just listen to the intention, that gets really powerful.

Janet:                           Yes.

Rhonda:                      Because then you can really detach and not take it personal, not get defensive.

Janet:                           Okay.

Rhonda:                      Does that make sense?

Janet:                           Definitely. Very helpful.

Rhonda:                      You’re welcome.

Janet:                           Thank you.

Rhonda:                      Great. Thank you, Janet.

Janet:                           Okay. Bye.

CALLER THREE

00:15:41

Rhonda:                      How can I serve you today?

Caller 3:                       Yes. I am having issues with my Clients and myself around resistance, and I’m wondering what I can do to help move them through that and also what holds people back? I’d like a little more information about that.

Rhonda:                      Mm-hmm. Well, I want some specifics before we go into that. One, is resistance always come from fear, yes? But when we’re resisting, it’s because we’re going into a really risky area. It’s really challenging. It might change the way we see the world, and many people aren’t ready for that. When somebody’s resistant, you know that they have a big attachment to the way things are in that particular area. And to contemplate or to respond in a positive manner and remove the resistance literally means that they might have to rethink the way they’ve lived their entire life. And so there’s not just the attachment to that moment but the attachment to the way they’ve lived their entire life, and some guilt may come up, some shame may come up. They may beat themselves up. So instead of going there and having to face the way they’ve lived their entire life, they’re going to be resistant and they’re obviously on a call so they want to break their resistance. It’s just it’s much bigger than this moment. It’s their whole life. So that’s one thing.

I really honor resistance. There’s a reason for them having it because it is a big thing, and I say that to them. I say, “Wow. Okay. Are you open to this? Are you resisting? What do you think? Where are you?” And they’ll be like, “Well, I’m just having a really hard time,” or whatever they say. Then I go, “Great. How do we want to move through this?” I ask the Client to help. Does that make sense?

Caller 3:                       Yes.

Rhonda:                      So give me a specific if you have a specific?

Caller 3:                       I think you just nailed it all.

Rhonda:                      Okay.

Caller 3:                       It’s just my resistance wasn’t quite nailed, but everybody, all of the Clients yes. Because it’s letting go of the fantasy. It’s letting go of how we think the world should be.

Rhonda:                      That’s right.

Caller 3:                       And this is really big.

Rhonda:                      Yes, it is really big. And so to ask somebody, one, to become a Client to Coach, for them to actually step up to the plate and become a Client, is a huge, huge risk for them. And so even if they’re enthusiastic, that’s one reason we’re constantly congratulating them or acknowledging them because every step of the way when you’re shifting your perception, is a huge risk. So congratulations. That’s why we always say congratulations where you can be willing to ask the question. Then we get to the specific, the focus, the clarity, and then supporting them in the answer. So what is the one thing that I didn’t hit on, your particular resistance?

Caller 3:                       Well, I’m trying to figure out how this ties into fear. My resistance, and I don’t understand it, is that … I’ll give you two examples. It’s just things that I know need to be done that I haven’t done. Like the little pile on my floor, and also my husband asking me to make some connections with some people, and I don’t do them. It’s not that I consciously don’t want to do them. I just haven’t done them.

Rhonda:                      Right. So let’s just go back to the things on the floor. So what does it say to you, what does it say about you, what’s the benefit of having this stuff on the floor?

Caller 3:                       Oh, it says I’m busy.

Rhonda:                      Oh, very busy. Aren’t you very busy, and aren’t you just so busy and so important? Okay. Very, very busy. Very, very busy. So when we’re resisting “doing something,” when our Clients resisting “doing something,” it’s because there’s a buy in. There’s something they’re getting benefit, and that’s one of the challenging things with Clients is we say, “Well, what’s the benefit? What’s the positive thing that you’re getting out of it?” And they go, “Nothing. Nothing’s positive about this.” And we go, “Yes, there’s something positive about it,” meaning you get to be superior or you get to think your busy or you get to say well, maybe there’s some things in your life that your husband or other people are wanting you to do and you have a perfect excuse because you have a big pile there.

Caller 3:                       Yes.

Rhonda:                      See, if you don’t have the pile, then you have to say yes to more people, and maybe that pile represents you keeping your own space, being able to say no. So maybe that pile isn’t about resistance, it’s your permission slip to say no to people. Oh, I’ve got this big pile on the floor. Oh, I can’t possibly … Oh, no. Can’t possibly do it. Oh, I wish I didn’t have this big stack of papers. I could do it.

Caller 3:                       Okay. I got it. I got it for me. Okay.

Rhonda:                      Okay.

Caller 3:                       I want to go back to the Client, but I did get it for me. Thank you.

Rhonda:                      Yes.

Caller 3:                       And it’s right on.

Rhonda:                      Yes.

Caller 3:                       Okay. Back to the Client. One Client feels that … I mean, they’re in a lot of resentment for someone that they’ve been paying to do something, and to move them off that resentment is a challenge.

 

 

00:20:36

Rhonda:                      Well, first, yes absolutely. And bottom line is are they willing to learn the skills in order to eliminate the resentment. They have resentment because they probably haven’t said what they need to say.

And so, for instance, this exactly happened to be at a book signing recently. This woman said, “I’m just …” it really got down to the fact that she doesn’t feel appreciated by the people she pays. She doesn’t feel respected or appreciated by the people she pays to work for her. And I said, “Okay. One, you don’t have to have them work for you.” And she’s like, “Ah.” That whole guilt thing about letting go of employees, and I said, “So great. Are you willing to talk to them about this? Are you willing to readjust the way that they work with you so you feel that they’re more supportive, that they’re listening? Have you put boundaries in place? Have you talked to them about the things you want? Have you given the systems? Have you given them deadlines? Or have you been like, “Well, gee. Would you do this for me? Gee, I hope you do.” That if they do it, means they love you. If they don’t do it, it means they don’t love you. And so you don’t want to give them specifics and deadlines because then that takes the love out of it.”

And so they’re willing to be resentment only makes them like they’re more caring and they’re more involved with it. But the fact is the resentment isn’t supporting them and actually moving the Client forward and their employee forward or them as an employer. So are they willing to be a better employer? Are they willing to give guidance? Are they willing not to look at their employee to solve all their problems? They’re an employee. They’re getting paid for specific tasks. If they’re not doing the task, then either you’re not being specific enough or you fire them. That’s the bottom line.

Caller 3:                       Mm-hmm.

Rhonda:                      Does that support you?

Caller 3:                       Somewhat.

Rhonda:                      Okay. Give me more specifics.

Caller 3:                       Okay. Well, this has to do with somebody who’s hired someone and not as an employee but to design, to do something specific.

Rhonda:                      Well, they’re still employed by them.

Caller 3:                       Yes.

Rhonda:                      And are they willing to cancel the project?

Caller 3:                       No.

Rhonda:                      No, because they’ve already invested so much. Yes?

Caller 3:                       Yes.

Rhonda:                      And they feel they’re in a catch 22.

Caller 3:                       Yes.

Rhonda:                      They’ve put money in but they’re not happy, and here they are. Great. So they get to cut their losses and get what they want. That’s one. Two, they get to either talk to the person who’s designing and say, “You know what, I clearly haven’t communicated what I need to in order to help you design for me.” So if they’re not designing the way you want them to design, you haven’t communicated clearly. So where is it that this person hasn’t communicated clearly what they really, really want? So they’re wanting the designer to probably to be a mind reader, probably to figure it all out, but that’s not the way it works. You’re responsible for the people that you employ or hire or for whatever their task is, your job is to support them in supporting you. And if they’re not doing what you want, it’s your responsibility to communicate more clearly. And if then they don’t do it time and time again, then your choice is to cut your losses and move to someone who can see your vision. So they’re probably beating themselves up that they didn’t hire correctly or they’re thinking they’ve been trapped or betrayed. They thought this person got it but clearly they didn’t. It’s not the designers purposely trying to hurt them. It’s the designers designing. That’s what they do. They way they do it. That’s why there’s different designers.

Rhonda:                      Does that support you?

Caller 3:                       Yes.

Rhonda:                      Okay.

Caller 3:                       Thank you.

Rhonda:                      You’re welcome. And that’s the challenge we have with people have so much invested in wanting to be right that they have this resistance because then they have to take responsibility, and the resistance is that they would have to own their part of it. If I don’t have to own my part of it and I can kind of blame somebody else, then I can have resistance, then I still look good.

Rhonda:                      Are you complete?

Caller 3:                       Just one really quick question.

Rhonda:                      Yes.

Caller 3:                       Going back to the first instance, when you started talking about not willing to give up the dream kind of stuff. So when a Client is really doing the work, they’ve really come a long way. They’re really getting skillful and then they come to that dead end. I mean, they come to a dead stop because of this, because of all of sudden they realize they have to let go of the way-

Rhonda:                      Yes.

Caller 3:                       They have to move into that … What happens then with … How do you move a Client through that?

00:24:53

Rhonda:                      Well, one is the way you described it that they are moving forward. They’re very proactive. They’re going for it. And then they hit the wall. Well, two things are occurring. One is that you have a certain muscle built up for how much change you can go through or awareness or perception shifts. And everybody has a certain level of acceptance to that. All of a sudden everybody hits a wall. It’s kind of like all of a sudden you’re filled up and you can’t take anymore. Well, they’ve probably risked, and risked, and risked, and risked, and bottom line is there’s only so many risks before you hit a wall of your own. And so one, they’ve probably hit the wall, and so you get to acknowledge them. “Wow, look at all the risks you’ve taken. Look how big your muscle is. Look at all the things you did before you hit the wall. Congratulations. That is a lot of stuff. So you might feel you’re resisting right now but what I really see is that this a stop point for you to really acknowledge all the shifts and changes you’ve made. Congratulations.”

Because that’s what they need. They need acknowledgement, they need support, and not from like keep going, keep going, but, “Hey. Let’s rest for a minute. Let’s rest and just really take what you’ve done in. Wow, let’s look at this. And you don’t have any homework this week except writing 100 acknowledgements for all the great things you just did. That’s amazing. I don’t want you to do another thing. I want you to just totally relish in this acknowledgement.”

And then you slowly start moving them. Then start slowing building them up again because it’s really they’re already moving forward. It’s just wow, they’re just slapping … We only have so much in us until we take it in, rest a minute, and then build up our momentum again. Does that make sense?

Caller 3:                       Yes. Thank you.

Rhonda:                      Great. Are you complete?

Caller 3:                       Absolutely.

Rhonda:                      All right.

CALLER FOUR

00:26:47

Rhonda:                      How can I support you today?

Caller 4:                       Well, one thing that’s been coming up recently for me, Rhonda, and it just happened again a few hours, about an hour ago is when I get into situations where it’s usually part of my routine and somebody else tries to change my routine, I get a little bit angry and at times I will try to … My first thought is to go over the … This is an instance at work where somebody wanted me to go around the back of the building instead of going in the front door where the offices were, and my first thought was, I asked him why I had to go in the back was my first question. Then I wanted to go over his head, which I didn’t do this time. I want to be able to get to the point where it just doesn’t matter. I will follow directions, whatever people ask me to do instead of challenging them and making myself right I guess is what the question is. How do I get to the point where I don’t have to make myself right?

Rhonda:                      Good luck. Well, that is the most seductive thing of all is being right, and especially when you’re in a job situation where maybe you have some authority and especially when maybe somebody with less authority so to speak tells you to do something. Immediately you’re rightness or your authority or the control comes into effect because you want to prove that you have more authority than this person or that you know more than that person. Your superior to this person. They don’t know what they’re doing. So it makes you feel ‘better’ about yourself for about a second until you, of course, become aware of your behavior and notice how you’re treating the other person.

So bottom line is what I invite you to do is let’s not focus on right or wrong because that might seem too challenging or too big per se. What I invite you to do is ask yourself a couple questions. For instance, are you attached to … Well, I’m going to go backwards on this. I’m going to say one of the questions you can ask are you attached to being right in this situation? And two, can you stop and say, “Great. What is the value? What’s going to happen if I followed the direction? What would it mean to me?” I mean, for you going around the back, is it going to take away your authority? Is it going to take away your self-esteem? Are they abusing you in any manner?

Caller 4:                       No.

Rhonda:                      No. Are they lying to you? Are they betraying you? Are they screwing you?

Caller 4:                       No.

Rhonda:                      No. They just want you to walk around the back, right?

Caller 4:                       Right.

Rhonda:                      So it’s almost like asking yourself the level of importance. Like on a scale of 1 to 10. So walking around the back on a level of 1 to 10, 10 being really, really important. Like this is really important. This really matters to you. This is principles. This is values. This is stuff you fight for. On a scale of 1 to 10, one being it’s not really a big deal, how much is going around the back door, 1 to 10?

Caller 4:                       One.

Rhonda:                      Great. So how about if you say to yourself you do it if it’s 5 or less. From 6 and above, you ask questions.

Caller 4:                       Okay.

Rhonda:                      So literally asking yourself on the scale of importance to my life, the relevance to my life, on a scale of 1 to 10, walking around the back, what’s the thing? One. Okay, great. Then just walk around the back.

Caller 4:                       Absolutely.

Rhonda:                      Does that make sense?

Caller 4:                       Absolutely. That makes a lot of sense.

Rhonda:                      It’s about taking the onus off of everything being of equal value and equal importance and thinking, because we do get into that. We think, “Well, if I give here, then they’re going to give there. They’re going to take … Give them an inch, they take a mile.” It’s kind of like the saying that everyone says, “Give an inch, take a mile.” Well, no. They can’t take a mile unless you give them a mile.

So your job is to keep clear on your boundaries, your awareness of what the value is and how important it is, and if it’s 6 or less, hey, just do it. If it’s 6 or above, you can ask questions.

Caller 4:                       Okay.

Rhonda:                      Does that make sense?

Caller 4:                       Absolutely.

Rhonda:                      Great. Are you complete?

Caller 4:                       I’m complete.

Rhonda:                      Great.

Caller 4:                       Thank you very much.

Rhonda:                      Thank you.

Caller 4:                       That was awesome.

Rhonda:                      Thank you.

 

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